I’m tired. It’s 8:13 PM.
Those two facts are objectively unrelated. Yet, I can easily put all kinds of judgment on them:
- What did I actually do today to be tired, so early?
- What’s wrong with me?
- I should have more stamina.
- My son has to be up for hours, so I should be too.
- These seasonal allergies are affecting my energy.
- It’s post new-moon effects.
Aren’t we funny, we humans? How we strive to make sense of EVERYthing. It’s so Gestalt of us, to fill in all those blanks, looking for meaning and completion.
I’m not sure this works for me. I can spend SO much energy making up the why’s and what-ifs, and usually to no great accomplishment. 98% of my made up shit doesn’t come into being. Those are some pretty compelling statistics to STOP MAKING SHIT UP.
It’s a hard habit to break, for sure. I’m one that needs to replace, and crowd out a negative behaviour, to allow something new to take its place.
So, I’ve been practicing observing and noticing, as a means to replace my fabrications. I try to remain as detached as possible. It’s like a socio-psychological observational study. On myself. No judgement, I’m just here to learn. It feels a little weird and outside of myself. It’s pretty interesting, though. I’m seeing things I wouldn’t ordinarily see. In the noticing, I can feel and move through emotions, when in the past I would assess them and linger in them, toward making sense of them. It was long-suffering and ultimately fruitless. Sometimes we just feel how we feel.
And, we are allowed to feel ANY emotion, without reproach. One of my pet peeves is when humans try to edit others’ feelings. Even if it exists in language, versus intent, it can be a very limiting expression. It can make someone feel small, for the comfort of another.
I think maybe the noticing and allowing it difficult for most of us, who are so used to valuing doing, over being. Perhaps we’ve some to associate active intervention with helping. I suggest: support can be quiet, still, being, and oh-so-powerful.
I’ll continue this experiment, of detached observation, to see what newness it allows. So far, it feels like acceptance, and being, learning and a bigger way to love.
It’s been a long, cold winter.
I never do really well with winter. I have to monitor that my Season Affective Disorder doesn’t evolve into a recurrence of full blown clinical depression (I’m recovering). I need to be vigilant about managing my energy. I take vitamin D. I practice self-care.
Still, it was a rough one. The winter weather makes by bones ache and my shoulders hunch. I’ve noticed that I’ve been grinding my teeth, indicating some mis-managed stress. I’ve been relying a little too strongly on sweatshirts and uncombed hair. Large snowfalls cause a feeling that mimics claustrophobia. Weather delays and closing mess up my routine, which only further causes stress.
And, yet, I persist. I do things differently anymore. I actively avoid negativity. I stopped feeling guilty about taking care of myself, of going inward to conserve energy.
I notice more and more that I follow the rhythms of nature. My daily energy matches the sun. I seasonally reflect, and hibernate of sorts. Long before the thermometer shows it, I become restless, and crave expansion and growth. It’s a visceral craving. My bloom matches the blossoms. I desire the smell of dirt.
Today, we ran some errands, and my body relaxed with the sun. The warmth simultaneously surprised and delighted me. My muscles started to relax. My nerves felt less sharp. I felt renewed hope. My energy rose just bit.
And I begin to thaw.
How are you feeling today?